of nothingness.

everyones so scared of getting hurt and im no exception.

i really wish i knew what i was thinking. i dont get myself. its so hard to understand how *i* feel. quite frankly, im sick of always Not Knowing.

person A : how are you
me : i dont know
person B : you doing okay?
me : i dont know

ugh makes me sound so fucking dis-articulate. like im a trained monkey or some shit.
i think its why i write so much. when i write, i write things i didnt realize i was thinking.

like ^ that for instance.

anyway. back to topic.
yeah its a scary thing. you never know whats gonna happen next. its as if everything you do is done in the dark and all you can see is how far your handphone's backlighting lets you. (why handphone? because flashlights were taken and im not about to steal)

i was reading sharons blog and let me say.
she really surprised me.

ive never really been close to sharon, so i didnt really know what to expect, but whoa.. i wish i couldve writen like that when i was her age.
shes. insightful. thats the word.
insightful.

"I realized that when you love someone so much you're scared if they dont feel the same way. And you're thinking to yourself ' Was I just someone he/she was using just to pass time with?'. "
sharon wrote that.
all i have to say is. amen.

sometimes i think that i think too little.
its a very warped sentence, but its the best i can put it.
im not sure if its a good thing to think too little.
i suppose it is.
i think that thinking only ends up complicating things.
i prefer to do all my shit WITHOUT thinking then slapping myself with a keyboard afterwards.
im not even sure what this post is about.
normally i'd have some idea by now. but now im not sure.
i feel so messed up. like my emotions are waging warfare. and im stuck somewhere in the middle -_-
i dont know how to react to this. or rather how not to react.
i'll be seeing you soon, so i have to figure it out by then.

i think i'll stick to plan A and end up with keyprints on my forehead.
smat bekah smat.

im feeling so emotional now. im hating nothing without reason. how do i explain that?
okay its like. im experiencing all this hatred. towards. nothing.
but the hatred is still there.
and i feel so. alone and pathetically useless. i feel insecure and stuck and angry and worried and nostalgic and im on my 5th packet of dahfa 'snek ikan' and ugh i dont know.

fuck. the not-know is back.

sometimes i just want to climb a beanstalk and just. observe. for a change. stop being the damned manipulated variable that causes responses and see what its like being the control that basically stays the same and watches the world around it.
..
though i suppose the manipulated does get all the fun.

"You just have to decide who's WORTH the pain."-sharon